I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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