I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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