I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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