I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He passed out mid-signature
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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