We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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