Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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