And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
