Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
