good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
