How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
