happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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