I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
