I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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