so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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