Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
