if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
