My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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