What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize