I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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