He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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