I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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