When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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