Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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