I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
