three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
