Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
