What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
