am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
