Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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