I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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