and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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