I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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