If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
