i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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