wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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