Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
