you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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