Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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