rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
