Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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