You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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