You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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