I want to have your abortion
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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