Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
