They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
