I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
