i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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