Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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