I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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