I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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