What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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