Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize