i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
