You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
