Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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