I'm so fucking centered right now
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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