Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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