I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
